When I was an adolescent I used to imagine I was a kind of goddess of chaos; yet even as I was creating my first Dungeons and Dragons character to be a chaotically good cat-elf fighter/theif/mage (I did say it was my first character…), I was dimly aware that, chaotic alignment or no, I'd probably be sticking to the rules. Time went on. I graduated from high school then university, spent three years teaching ESL in Japan, moved to Canada and got married. I grew, changed, and gained a better understanding of myself. I am no goddess of chaos.
If I were to be a goddess of anything, it would be Order. Cranky Order. A cluttered house chokes me. Internet "spelling" makes me want to go berserk. I don't even know what anti-Mormons make me want to do but I doubt they'd like it. (I either want to break down in tears or beat them about the head until they see sense. Probably both at the same time.)
I know you can't beat or logic someone to your side. I know that it's not a Christ-like attitude to have but I like to crusade. I like to feel I'm standing up for Truth, Justice and God's Way and I enjoy intellectual sparring. However, the day my husband pointed out a newspaper article because he thought I'd like to complain about it was the day I realized I had a problem.
I taped up a copy of Moroni 7:45 next to my bathroom mirror so that its counsel might eventually embed itself in my conciuosness. I prayed about it — not often but as often as I remembered or when I felt I'd failed to rein myself in somehow. Then, for the last few weeks or so, I forgot about it entirely.
Recently my husband and I joined an internet community at the request of a friend who is a long-time member of that community. I stayed far, far away from the forums. Internet spelling + young idiots + a rather libertine community culture + flamers, trolls and the rest… I wanted nothing to do with it. My husband is curious and analytical. He was wary of many of the same things I was (still am, to be honest) but he proceeded to cautiously explore anyway. A couple of times he'd mentioned a thread titled "Christains vs. Mormons" but I just shook my head. I knew no good would come of me going there.
Until last night, when he mentioned that the poll in that thread (asking the question "Are Mormons Christian?") actually had a slight majority in the "Yes!" camp. So I went to bump the majority a bit. Of course I got drawn in to the discussion. I very nearly created an image of a wooden bat with the words "The Chruch of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-Day Saints" on it. It was my intent to post that image and say "Don't make me use this!" or someother "witticism." One of the other things I've been praying for lately is to be better able to recognize promptings. I never finished that image. I felt wrong about it – not as enthusiastic and interested as I thought I would. I tried for awhile but then I said to myself "You know, maybe this is a feeling you should listen to."
So I joined the discussion without my lovely little bat image. It felt perfectly natural at the time, though now I wonder how I did it, but I went through that discussion with something very like a Christ-like attitude. I didn't let the angry posts upset me. When I felt correction was necessary, I did so with simplicity and courtesy. Some of my posts were very long; sometimes I felt ignored but though I got sometimes sad or frustrated, I never got angry and upset. More importantly, I didn't want to be.
There is a fine line between crusading and simply standing for something. I learned something about that line last night, for which I am humbly grateful. I don't want to be a negative person; now I can truly feel that I don't have to be. I'm not done but right now I feel God and myself both rejoicing at my one, wobbly little step. I did it, Father. I can do it. Thank you.
April 23, 2006 at 12:41 pm
I felt wrong about it – not as enthusiastic and interested as I thought I would. I tried for awhile but then I said to myself “You know, maybe this is a feeling you should listen to.”
I think one of the major hurdles in life is stopping and listening when that happens rather than forcing our way through.
Good for you. My first character was a mage, Elaikases. I still see people from the old days (the early 70s) once in a while. Some, like Gary Gygax or Sandy Petersen, are still in the game industry (Sandy is LDS, btw).
April 24, 2006 at 3:56 pm
Very nice.
There have been a couple of times that I have decided not to go on the first impulse on the blogs, and I am usually glad. Sometimes I think the spirit needs a little time to work with people like me.
Also, I am sorry for the spelling errors. Grammatical to. I am not great with either.
April 25, 2006 at 3:40 pm
I think you have a good attitude about all the negative posts out there. I, too get frustrated with all the cynicism out there but recently got my fingers really ruffled when an anonymous user left a comment on my blog about marriage being sanctioned by God and should only be between one man and one woman (this was obviously pointed towards that new HBO show, “Big Love” and how this ignorant person was mistaking Mormons with polygamists). Oh well. In the end, I just let it slide without posting a big ol’ nasty rebuttal on the matter.
April 26, 2006 at 12:56 pm
“There is a fine line between crusading and simply standing for something. ”
There is a LOT to that statement.
Good for you!
May 7, 2006 at 3:58 pm
[...] I’ve just read a book on Washington and heard a couple of talks in Church that got me thinking about weak things being made strong. Like most books on Washington, this one pointed to his tremendous self-control as one of his greatest strengths. Like most books on Washington, this one suggested that he gained this degree of self-control in struggling with his tremendous passions. One meaning of weak things being made strong is that our weaknesses are replaced with their opposite strengths. We are probably more likely to ask for the strengths that we are the most conscious of lacking, and, asking, are therefore more likely to receive. We are probably also more careful about the virtues that we have felt the lack of. Former alcoholics are usually teetotalers. For a bloggernacle example, see here. [...]
May 14, 2006 at 3:44 am
I loved this post! I think there are many of us who are working on trying to recognize promptings. Thanks so much for sharing not only how you have tried to certain avoid situations, but also how you were able to really handle a situation where you might have been tempted to act in a way you didn’t want to act. And the humorous way you told of planning to create the “bat” image, and then abandoning that idea is really memorable. I think it will spring to my mind when I am wondering if those hesitant feelings I am getting about speaking up in a witty (but ultimately negative) comment are really a prompting from the Spirit. What a blessing to know that if we keep trying to improve, we can be sure Heavenly Father will help us.
May 20, 2006 at 3:37 am
Thank you all. I’ve very much enjoyed your comments. I’m sorry it’s taken me so long to get back to you; I’ve been in a bit of a funk but I’m working my way out of it.
Also, your comments proved a point to me. I think that so far my blog as been very “male” in tone. By which I mean I’ve had a lot of posts about the affairs of the world and how I think they should go. I decided to take a different tack and try to be more “female”– posting about personal experiences. This post was my first attempt at such and voila! This post has also gotten the most non-me comments.