When the woman in your row, or in front of you, behind you, across the aisle, up at the front– wherever she was sitting– when she abruptly sat down during the intermediate hymn (“Families Can Be Together Forever”) and huddled in her seat with her shoulders shaking miserably. How did you respond? Did you respond?
October 1, 2006
October 1, 2006 at 9:32 pm
In all honesty, it would depend on the woman. How well I knew her. I usually do reach in those types of circumstances, but there are times I might not. Especially if she was closer to someone else and I was confident they would care for her.
October 2, 2006 at 7:14 pm
That woman is usually my wife. The next step is usually for her to ask for the car keys, and she spends most of the rest of the meeting block trying to calm down. She gets mad if I follow her out, but I usally do anyway, just to be sure.
Only rarely does somebody else say or do anything.
October 6, 2006 at 5:07 am
heartbreaking question, PDoE, and heartbreaking response, Anon. I have nothing to add, but thank you for the post.
October 6, 2006 at 4:37 pm
Anon, I’m sorry I haven’t gotten back to this sooner. I’ve had some issues of my own to deal with lately. I’m sorry your wife is feeling like that too; I really feel for her.
This conversation will (hopefully) be reposted and expounded upon over at http://mormonmentality.org.
October 6, 2006 at 8:36 pm
I didn’t mean to threadjack, but, honestly, it is very rare for anybody to do anything when that happens. Once, a kind sister sitting in the pew in front of us reached back and handed her some kleenex. But if this happens in Relief Society, sisters have gotten up and moved to a seat farther away from her.
October 6, 2006 at 10:21 pm
Anon, that makes me so mad! I can understand people feeling too awkward to do anything but to get up and move away from someone in obvious pain…! I find it horrifying. What happened to “mourn with those that mourn?!” You or your wife ought to complain to the RS Presidency, maybe even the bishop. If I lived anywhere near your ward I’d come and do it for you.
October 9, 2006 at 5:10 am
That used to be me, in the bad old infertility days. I can’t really think of people doing anything. But we had a bishop who just looked at me with the deepest compassion. I could always catch him watching me from the stand on Mother’s Day and on Fast Sundays when there were usually at least two babies blessed in our very young ward. I don’t know if he knows how much it meant to me, just knowing that he was checking on me.
November 8, 2006 at 1:38 am
Like someone else said, it would depend on how well I knew the person.
I wouldn’t be afraid of her reaction to my intrusion, I would just be worried about making her more uncomfortable through excess intrusiveness if I didn’t know her.
If I did know her even a little bit, I would go sit next to her after the meeting was over and ask her if she’s OK. And if there were anything I could do. And then later, keep an eye on her and just be friendly and try and reach out.
Can you really do much else??
November 14, 2006 at 1:44 am
No, I don’t think you can do much else. However, I think people often don’t even do that. People feel awkward; they mean well but they get busy… a thousand things happen. In the meantime though, someone may be falling through the cracks.
I’m as guilty of it as the next person; I just hope that by sharing this experience I can not only motivate myself to be more outgoing in this area but spur others on as well.
December 18, 2006 at 6:45 am
This is a totally different circumstance – but I recently sat through a Testimony meeting where a sister was bearing her testimony and began getting quite graphic about describing her abusive childhood. This bishop got up and told her it was inappropriate and asked her to stop. She broke into tears at the pulpit and insisted that she needed to be able to say this as it explained how God had worked in her life. SHe began again, saying the same sort of things. The Bishop got up again and insisted she not go on. She left, crying, and has not since returned to church.
So what is the responsibility of others in the ward at that point?
It is possible to be supportive of both the Bishop and the obviously hurting sister at the same time?
I believe it is. However, it was one of those situations where people were incredibly uncomfortable and did not know what to do – felt awkward and immobilized, and so most did nothing.
I think peple really do not know how to reach out to others who are hurting. They are afraid of saying the wrong thing so they say nothing.
Church is not a museum for spiritual giants who have all the right answers. It is a hospital and a school for all of us broken, imperfect souls who are trying to learn what it really means to love ourselves, our God and our neighbor. Most of us still have a long, long way to go.
January 2, 2007 at 9:17 pm
Something like this happened to me a few years ago. I was in a sacrament meeting and the woman sitting in front of me sobbed through the last talk and all of the closing stuff. I felt very uncomfortable about it and planned to ignore it. But when we all stood up to go, she stood up and looked right at me, and I suddenly had a strong desire to hug her, which is very unusual for me. I hate hugging people I’m not related to. So I did. And she just cried and cried, and I stood ther hugging her, and never said anything, and smiled at her as she left. I assumed it would be akward to see her again, but it never was, even though everyone had seen us and we were in the same committee some time later. It was a strange experience for me where I learned something about myself and the Spirit.