When I was an adolescent I used to imagine I was a kind of goddess of chaos; yet even as I was creating my first Dungeons and Dragons character to be a chaotically good cat-elf fighter/theif/mage (I did say it was my first character…), I was dimly aware that, chaotic alignment or no, I'd probably be sticking to the rules.  Time went on.  I graduated from high school then university, spent three years teaching ESL in Japan, moved to Canada and got married.  I grew, changed, and gained a better understanding of myself.  I am no goddess of chaos.

If I were to be a goddess of anything, it would be Order.  Cranky Order.  A cluttered house chokes me.  Internet "spelling" makes me want to go berserk.  I don't even know what anti-Mormons make me want to do but I doubt they'd like it.  (I either want to break down in tears or beat them about the head until they see sense.  Probably both at the same time.)

I know you can't beat or logic someone to your side.  I know that it's not a Christ-like attitude to have but I like to crusade.  I like to feel I'm standing up for Truth, Justice and God's Way and I enjoy intellectual sparring.  However, the day my husband pointed out a newspaper article because he thought I'd like to complain about it was the day I realized I had a problem.

I taped up a copy of Moroni 7:45 next to my bathroom mirror so that its counsel might eventually embed itself in my conciuosness.  I prayed about it — not often but as often as I remembered or when I felt I'd failed to rein myself in somehow.  Then, for the last few weeks or so, I forgot about it entirely.

Recently my husband and I joined an internet community at the request of a friend who is a long-time member of that community.  I stayed far, far away from the forums.  Internet spelling + young idiots + a rather libertine community culture + flamers, trolls and the rest… I wanted nothing to do with it.  My husband is curious and analytical.  He was wary of many of the same things I was (still am, to be honest) but he proceeded to cautiously explore anyway.  A couple of times he'd mentioned a thread titled "Christains vs. Mormons" but I just shook my head.   I knew no good would come of me going there.

Until last night, when he mentioned that the poll in that thread (asking the question "Are Mormons Christian?") actually had a slight majority in the "Yes!" camp.  So I went to bump the majority a bit.  Of course I got drawn in to the discussion.  I very nearly created an image of a wooden bat with the words "The Chruch of JESUS CHRIST of Latter-Day Saints" on it.  It was my intent to post that image and say "Don't make me use this!" or someother "witticism."  One of the other things I've been praying for lately is to be better able to recognize promptings.  I never finished that image.  I felt wrong about it — not as enthusiastic and interested as I thought I would.  I tried for awhile but then I said to myself  "You know, maybe this is a feeling you should listen to."

So I joined the discussion without my lovely little bat image.  It felt perfectly natural at the time, though now I wonder how I did it, but I went through that discussion with something very like a Christ-like attitude.  I didn't let the angry posts upset me.  When I felt correction was necessary, I did so with simplicity and courtesy.  Some of my posts were very long; sometimes I felt ignored but though I got sometimes sad or frustrated, I never got angry and upset.  More importantly, I didn't want to be.

There is a fine line between crusading and simply standing for something.  I learned something about that line last night, for which I am humbly grateful.  I don't want to be a negative person; now I can truly feel that I don't have to be.  I'm not done but right now I feel God and myself both rejoicing at my one, wobbly little step.  I did it, Father.  I can do it.  Thank you.

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