Friends of mine are in the process of divorcing. I find it very sad, especially in light of my parents’ impending divorce. I know there are many factors that go into such a drastic decision. For the most part, I tend to think that a dose (a heavy dose) of charity is what’s needed to fix the problems. (Believe me, I know it’s not an instant cure.)
But how much is too much? My friends were married in the temple. Something has happened that has changed one of them drastically. Beliefs have changed or been lost. Personality has changed to the point where the other spouse says that their spouse is a completely different person.
The person you married made certain promises but now has become another person, one who doesn’t care about those promises. Does that mean the marriage is nullified?
Proud Daughter of Eve 
January 22, 2007 at 7:46 pm
Sorry to hear about the two divorces PDoE. That stinks for all involved. As for your question: people changing isn’t grounds for divorce necessarily but it seems to lead to it at times — especially if the couple is driven far apart by those changes.
January 23, 2007 at 12:06 am
Here are some rather obvious comments. One, people always change, it is a natural part of our progression. Two, people can either change together or seperately. Three, those who change together grow together. Four, those who change seperately grow apart.
I know I just spewed forth some inane cliches. I do think, however, they are based on some simple truths. Almost all divorces are based on selfishness. One or both people are being selfish about their wants/needs and for one reason or another refuse to find that giving self that they started the relationship with. I find that I am never more at odds with my spouse than when I am being selfish.
I believe the problem is this; changing does not nullify a marriage. What ends a marriage is when people cannot accept when the other has changed, or when the person who has changed no longer accepts that their partner did not change with them. If only we could always find ways to cultivate a healthy middle ground. I fear though, that the selfish partner rarely wants to do that. It is all or nothing for them. In which case it is the selfishness that ends it, not the change itself.
January 23, 2007 at 4:23 am
Faces East is a message board offering support to believing spouses who find that their spouse does not think of the temple the way they used to. The board helps the believing spouse come to realize that a commitment to the temple is not the same thing as a commitment to the marriage. The changed spouse may have opposite opinions about the temple while being as committed as ever to the marriage. That is often hard for the believing spouse to accept as possible, since for the believing spouse, marriage and temple are wrapped up into one intertwined package.
January 23, 2007 at 10:20 pm
I have a similar situation. My wife’s brother is now divorced. His ex-wife was a recent convert, they got married in the temple. Had two kids. She was the breadwinner, he was the nuturing parent.
Over time he became convinced, and I think he is right, that his had become a legitamate narcissist. This apparently does not develop until early adulthood. She completely changed.
She suggested adding a third partner to their sex life, she didn’t care which gender. She quit the church altogether. She would go out drinking with friends every night. She became verbally and emotionally abusive.
Sometimes it is time to go. Covenants are two way things. Either party can break it right?
January 25, 2007 at 6:08 am
Covenants are more than just between the individuals, right? I watch with respect a couple of couples where one spouse has decided to leave the Church. The still-LDS spouse stays with the marriage, even though the temple marriage dream, for now, seems broken, they move forward with faith that if they as individuals are faithful to covenants made, then no blessings can be withheld. Marriage is about more than a static picture of reality or dreams. It’s a test of our faith and endurance even amid the change.
That said, once in a while there is a situation with abuse or lack of fidelity that might warrant divorce. I’ve seen that, too, where it was an inspired decision to leave. No one-size-fits all here, although I suspect still that most divorces shouldn’t happen.
January 26, 2007 at 3:01 am
Michelle, I think you are right on.
I was in a class once where the professor asked “What are good reasons for divorce?” Of course, abuse was the first thing said, followed by all kinds of abuse (verbal, physical, sexual, mental, etc.). But then it launched into “Leaving the Church” (I was at BYU, of course) and “Not wanting children”, “Being unfaithful”, etc.
By the end of the class, the professor basically had convinced us that there are fewer reasons for divorce than we originally thought –mostly having to do with what has been said by everyone above.
I’m really sorry about your friends (and your parents!). That really stinks, PDoE. I hope it doesn’t ruin any optimism you may have, you know?
January 26, 2007 at 7:59 am
p.s. PDoE, I echo the sentiments of sympathy, particularly about your parents. I don’t care how old “children” are, I think divorce hurts. I’m sorry for your pain. I’m sorry about your friends, too. It’s sad to watch people you care about end their marriages. Hugs to you!
February 7, 2007 at 3:52 am
It happens every where and in every faith. My (former???) best friend of 30 years has finally abandoned her husband and children, to go three states away and live with a man she says is her soul mate.
What happened??? For most of our lives I have listened to her go on and on about how perfect her life and family were, and suddenly one day they mean nothing to her? She says he is better off with out her (maybe so at this point,) and the kids are old enough to handle it, I don’t think they ever will be.
And here I sit, desperately missing this silly woman who shared most of my life and my memories, feeling sorry for myself, and angry with her at the same time.
We were going to get old together and drag our reluctant husbands along on cruises, start a Red Hat Club and share our grandchildren the way we had shared our sons and daughters.
I felt closer to her than to my own sister. We were like Lucy and Ethel and I am having a really hard time standing alone.
This was not supposed to be a solo act.
February 7, 2007 at 2:28 pm
The kids are never old enough to handle it. I’m almost 30. I know I’ll survive but I have to fight the inclination to simply cut my parents out of my life. I can’t trust them anymore. I don’t know about anyone else but I find love without trust to be nigh impossible.
Thank you all for your thoughts and encouragement. Rose I’m sorry to hear about the loss of your friend. I guess it just goes to show how fundamental family is that the split up of a family leaves such a hole for the friends and community to deal with.
February 14, 2007 at 4:38 am
There is an article in this months Ensign on this very subject! (Someone may have mentioned it already)
Although it was written more for adult children of divorce, it was just what I needed to read. I can see now that while our friendship is changed, and is unlikely to ever be as strong or as deep as it once was, (not just on my part, it simply holds little interest for her now) I need to forgive her (whether or not she wants forgiveness,) let go of my anger, bitterness and bad feelings and move on with my life.
Thanks for listening to me as I revisited this one more time. 🙂
February 14, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Seeing that article in the “Ensign” was such a jolt! The good kind. I was feeling very down in the mouth with all this and I’d just found out that one of my friends at church was suffering from her parent’s sudden split. Seeing the article– even before I read it, just sitting there, looking at the picture and the title– made me feel like HF was reaching out in love to us.
I’m sorry to hear that your friendship holds little interest to your old friend. You’ve lost someone too and with that you’ve lost a little bit of yourself. I think that’s been the hardest part of all this. In losing my parents’ marriage, I’ve lost/am losing the self that I was. Until I settle into my new self, it’s hard to feel anything but lost.